Can't sleep

Once again i can not sleep it is 6 am here. I don't think i have fallen asleep on my own since gramps died. It was like this with my dad as well with his death i turned to beer and drugs. Now i have sleeping pills and pain pills that knock me out. I have yet to tell my dr. about my sleeping problem cause i know it is a mental thing and nothing more but it still does not help it any i refuse to talk to anyone about it but i feel safe enough to write about it here since no one really knows me. I mean hubby does not need this burden neither does my mom with all she is going through.I just bottle it up and deal with it a teeny tiny bit at a time and take years to fully get over it. Yeah it ain't healthy and unless you gonna pay for me to see a shrink do not suggest it. On top of everything I finally got the stupid tax thing straightened out (a whole damn 7 months later). Finally decided on when to have another baby and all that jazz but i dunno i want another but why have another in this messed up world? Whatever i am getting off here. Leave notes,hate notes, whatever

*EDIT*

Gramps died May 20th of this year